


Deadman’s Fluff

by SchmillionPizza



Category: Tales From the Cryptkeeper, Tales from the Crypt (TV 1989)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26663014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchmillionPizza/pseuds/SchmillionPizza
Summary: A collection of pure fluffy( well as fluffy as one can get when dealing with The Cryptkeeper) drabbles about him and his undead girlfriend ♥️





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Cryptkeeper gets a girlfriend :D 
> 
> Just don’t call her that around him x3
> 
> lil hints of nsfw here nothing graphic.

The sun set. The casket opened and Juliette rose up. 

“...Nnnff....” she sat up and rubbed an eye. She smiled down at her casket-mate and leaned down to kiss his weathered cheek. 

He grunted and pushed her away. She chuckled. 

She then blew a raspberry on his neck. 

“Woman. You’re awfully close to second death...” The Cryptkeeper said. His eyes still shut. 

“Am I?...I think a lesser woman would have spurned your other 2 attempts after that first time..” She said putting her hands on her hips. 

“ You were awake for that? I honestly couldn’t tell..” he smirked opening one eye. “ Perhaps you can make up for that deadful performance while it’s still dusk ~”. 

“ You know you’re playing with fire..” she leaned down to kiss him. He chuckled darkly and kissed her back. Blowing a raspberry on her mouth. “EUGH! We agreed you wouldn’t do that!” She laughed “ I can taste how nasty your mouth is!” They both laughed and he did it again. “ Nooo!” She laughed and nearly howled like a banshee. She fell over the side of his casket. 

“Oh..what a shrilling good cackle you have, My dear.” He said leaning over to pull her back in. 

She chuckled and kissed him while he had her in his grasp. She giggled and lounged on top of him. 

“I do wonder....how..we did that. I mean....I know we had that oil but..what..uh...came out? “ she asked. Genuinely curious. 

“You know I don’t really know...I do think that..the embalming fluid ..is...doing what the blood used to do...but ah...I’m a blank headstone when it comes to knowing exactly what kind of venom I’m spitting out.” He. Chuckled. Petting her. His Ghouliette. He was growing rather fond of her. Despite the silly things she made him do. Despite the ridiculous things she made him feel. 

“It was good...whatever it was...I forgot...that it’s warm...That entire experience was...warm. I forgot how nice that feels.” She shut her eyes and The Cryptkeeper rolled his. 

“Oh please, don’t be so scarimenta-“ he was cut off by her rubbing his lower hip and kissing his neck. He let out babbling noises when she she got awfully close to his grave marker. 

“You were saying?” She chuckled. 

“Now Who’s the bully?” He smirked. He stroked her chin a little. “Close that lid. I’m not ready to get up yet.” He said. 

“Well..at least 90% of you isn’t ready to get up..” she giggled. 

“No shanks to you! So you have to take scare of it!”he cackled and closed the lid. 

... 

He was...oddly saddened when she left. He picked her lips gently when she left and he said he’d see her again soon. 

It was almost dawn. He had spent the entire night by himself. 

He would look to the spot by his desk in the crypt. Smile to himself. Seeing her with papers, legal pads, books, empty coffee mugs and an ashtray full of her cigarettes stained with her blood red lipstick. All of it was gone. He sighed. 

“...She was a noose-ance, anyway...She used all my hot water...and didn’t even say thank boo for that dress.” He smelled her perfume again. The vapor wrapped its hands around his neck and he chuckled. 

“....No. I cannot be...I can’t..Feel...feelings for her!! No. The..the old witch must have done something to me! I...I can’t..” he found a cigarette butt with her lipstick on it..he pocketed it. 

“...But it seems I can....” he said. Huffing angrily. 

He picked up his phone and dialed her number. 

“Ghouliette!! For reasons beyond my control, I require you to be here!” He rolled his r, wanting to sound important. 

“...That’s not my name..and why do you need me there, Mr.Cryptkeeper?” She smiled, she had been crying because she missed him. But she wouldn’t ever admit it. 

“...Because...You’ve got me set in my ways!! That’s why! My entire routine is thrown off!..All shanks to you!” He said trying to sound angry but he was in such deep denial he rivaled his own Mother’s experience with the river. 

“...Alright. I suppose as your lawyer I do owe it to you to be of service...” she chuckled. 

“Yes! You do! So get your shapely undead behind back here! It’s almost dawn!” He shouted. 

“Yes, Sir.” She said calmly as she hung up but frantically got herself together to get bs k to his manor. 

She pulled up to his home and ran through the door. As if exposure to the sun would destroy her. He opened the door in anticipation and she tackled him. The wall monster shutting the door. This tackle resulted in his right arm popping out of him. 

She chuckled. “...There goes your right hand man..” she said getting up to hand it back to him. 

“You’re tearing me limb from limb~.” He said reattaching his appendage. 

“....Thank you..for calling me back...” she said holding his hand. 

He pulled it back. 

“Oh no, No. Dont go getting fuzzy on me, Ghouliette...I just...need you here..for ..complicated reasons.

“That’s not my name..and sure. Complicated reasons.” She said moving to put her keys on the grim reaper statue. 

“In fact...I want you to drop the suit..” 

“WHAT?! All that work?! All that time?! Why not?” She asked very upset. 

He faced away from her. 

“...Complicated reasons..I want you to stay here indefinitely...I’ll charge you no rent..So your little Lawyer job won’t be necessary anymore.” 

“Uhh..” she raised an eyeridge. 

“All I ask is that you are....available for me.” He said picking up a pen and some parchment. 

“...Are you asking me...to be your girlfriend?..” she asked leaning against the wall smirking. 

“ Euuuugh don’t call it that...” he shuddered scribbling some thing out. 

“Lover then?” She chuckled. 

He snapped his fingers. “Sex slave.” 

“No, Cryptkeeper.” She gave that look when she was not in the mood for his foolishness. 

“...Fine...I’ll settle for piece of ass..” he said still writing. 

“Cryptkeeper!” She chuckled. Wondering if he was serious. 

“...You’re being unreasonable! I’ve given you two excellent titles.” He said. 

“...Lover or I’m out of here.” She said smiling. 

“Fine...your title in this manor is Lover to The Cryptkeeper...” he said finishing what he was working on. 

“Tell me this isn’t a contract ...” she said looking insulted. 

“It isn’t. This is a record for the archives.” He said grinning at her. 

“...So you’re...an aristocrat? Is that it?” She asked trying to understand what he was doing. 

“Ehh...sort of ..by title only. My mother was a 4,000 year old mummy and my father was a two headed circus freak. Once I became The Cryptkeeper it...elevated my status maybe a smidge. I like to keep a record of things..” he handed her the parchment and she put on her glasses. “Oh wow..your handwriting is beautiful...” she said astonished. 

“Well I’ve had almost 200 years of practice..” he said looking smug. 

“..I agree to this but I’m still working. I don’t practice law for the money. I do it cause I love to crush people.” She grinned. 

“...Fiiiiiiine. But you’re cutting back on hours..” he revised it and signed it. Handing her the pen. 

“..So..this is...official?” She asked signing the record. 

He picked up the parchment and grinned. 

“...It is now...C’mon..let’s go look at my casket catalogue and see if we can find a full size one!” He grabbed her hand and lead her to the crypt. 

“I demand my own pillow!” She said going down the stairs with him. 

“You’ll take what I give you!” He said , his voice echoing throughout the crypt.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juliette needs more embalming fluid after getting stabbed by a client. ( a common workplace hazard for her). Luckily for her The Cryptkeeper knows exactly what to do. >:D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light NSFW.

It was a pleasantly nice next few days. He would film, she would go to work but always be back by dinner. 

She came in one night with two knives in her shoulder. 

“You ah...you have a little something here..” The Cryptkeeper said pulling out the knife. The faded pink embalming fluid that flowed through her veins poured out of her. 

“Oh, that’s embarrassing how long has that been there?” 

He pulled the other one out and shook his head. 

“You’re going to need a refill soon.” He chuckled and licked the bigger knife clean. 

“...A refill?” She raised her eyeridge. 

“...You can’t move without your embalming fluid, my spooky seductress..” he said finishing slurping up what was on the knife. 

“Oh. So I just..drink some?” She asked, looking worried. 

The Cryptkeeper cackled. 

“Oh no, my dear.” He grabbed her wrist and brought her close to him. Tapping the little scar on her carotid artery. “...We have to go in..” he affectionately rubbed where she had been embalmed the first time. he was relishing how she was squirming. 

“That sounds ...dangerous..” she bit her bottom lip. 

“I’ve done it on myself countless times! Stop worrying...has your Cryptkeeper ever steered you wrong before??” 

“Would you like that chronologically or alphabetically?” 

He carried her over to the section of his crypt that he used to torture people. People that he felt had wronged him sorely and deserved to learn a lesson. The hard way. 

She laid on the long stone slab. He chuckled and traced a cold spidery hand down her neck. He tugged down her blouse. She playfully raised an eyeridge at him. 

“I need room to work, My deathling.” He sneered. 

“..of course.” She smirked. 

He felt around for her artery and smirked. “Such thin skin...so many veins.. hope I find the right one..” he cackled. 

“It’s not like you can kill me..” she chuckled. 

“ Now you’re thinking like a Cryptkeeper..” he chuckled and kept his thumb on the precious vein as he took the needle and gently punctured her dainty epidermis.

He sat at her arm and stitched her open wounds up before he proceeded. 

He took some tubing he had laying around and hooked it into the bright pink bag of fluid. 

“It won’t make me look too lively will it?” She asked. He chuckled and watched it travel downward into her veins. 

“ Perish the thought, Dearest.” He cackled and watched her flinch at the sensation. 

“This feels so werid..”

“ Lay still. You’re dead, act like it.” He said holding her chest down. Nestling his digits between her breasts. 

“You first.” She said , grinning. 

“While we’re on the subject..The new casket comes in day after tomorrow..full size..room for both of us..room for more...exciting positions..”He grinned. 

“...If the box is rockin’ don’t come knockin.” She giggled. 

“....I don’t know if I can control myself if you keep talking like that..you’re talking to a sadist who has you on his slab..half naked with a needle you and you’re talking about wanting to go bump in the night.” He said gently putting his hand around her lovely neck, grinning.

“Can’t blame a girl for being herself..” she gasped feeling him tighten his grip just a little. 

He leaned down and kissed her lips. 

“...Unhappy, Darling?..” he asked her softly petting through her raven locks with his other hand.

“ Of course...I’m oddly sleepy though...”she said slowly blinking. 

“My poor, Ghouliette. Must be all that lawyering you’re doing. Perhaps you just can’t hack it at this pace!” He smirked. Wishing so badly that she would quit her job and spend all her time at home. 

“That’s not my name...and..I’m sure I’m fine.” She yawned and he chuckled seeing the pink fluid halt. She was done. He pulled the needle out of her and wrapped her shoulder in a bandage. To keep the tiny wound closed and prevent fluid from coming out. 

“Come along, my dearly departed.” He scooped her into his arms. 

“..Where are we going?” she drowsily asked. 

“You. Are going to sleep. -I- have to finish penning my latest terror tale. It’ll probably be after the sun comes up before I hit the casket.” He said. 

She lidded her eyes and laid against his chest. She murmured. Almost out of it. 

She leaned up to kiss at his neck. Biting him a little. He let out a tiny amused giggle. 

“So aggressive, even when you’re drowsy. I love that about you.” He said. 

He changed her into one of her nightgowns and put her into his casket. She was asleep before she hit the interior. 

“Pleasant screams, Sweet Ghouliette..” he said kissing her lips before closing the lid.


	3. Random drabbles 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just random things that couldn't fit into a whole chapter. The script for The Cryptkeeper introducing his daughter to his audience was fun to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That baby may or may not be just a prop. Who knows!

-The Vault Keeper meets Juliette-

He was sitting at his desk, scribbling away when he heard someone step behind him. He didn’t hear the shrill cackle of “guess whoooo” so he knew it had to be The Vault Keeper.

“What do -you- want? I’m busy.” He said not even looking at him. 

“ I came to meet this lovely lady that everyone is talking about.” He said slamming his hand on the desk. 

“..I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. You don’t see anyone here do you?” The Cryptkeeper said. Wanting to keep this idiot, the old witch and the general public out of his personal life. 

“I’m sure you’re hiding her. Why keep her a secret? She’s gorgeous!” The Vault Keeper said in that smooth voice of his. 

“You sound like you’ve drank too much nightshade, Vaulty. It’s just me here. So why don’t you-“ he turned his head to see Juliette rising out of his casket. 

“...Who’s here?” She asked sleepily. 

“Too much Nightshade, eh?” The hooded man smirked as he walked over to Juliette. 

“Frightfully, Sorry. I came to pay a visit to my dear friend The Cryptkeeper, imagine my shock to find a beautiful woman instead.” He grinned. Leaning against the casket. 

The Cryptkeeper seethed and grabbed Juliette’s black housecoat and threw it at her. He stood in-front of her. She was so confused about what was going on. 

“You met her. Now make like a werewolf and get the howl out of here!” He said, pointing out. 

“What’s her name?” He said acting like he was going to touch her. She smacked his hand away. 

“I know you.” She said getting at herself. She put on the house coat and slipped out of the casket. 

“...You’re the vault keeper. You tried to use mad science without a license on my boyfriend, steal his show and just be a general nuisance.” She said looking upset. Walking toward him. 

“You also woke me up. Do you know what a bad idea it was to wake me up?” She said, grabbing a flail that was laying around. 

“Quite a spitfire isn’t she, Cryptkeeper?” He said putting up his hands in defense. 

The Cryptkeeper was sitting in a chair eating popcorn. Content to watch her kill the other man. 

“You have to be. When you’re a lawyer.” She said. 

“Lawyer?..” he asked looking nervous. 

“Yes. A damn good one at that. She’s a real beast.” The Cryptkeeper said, smirking. He didn’t need to defend her at all. She could do that herself. 

“Still an undead. What can you even do? Eat my brain?” He snorted. 

“I’m not in the mood for a light meal. I like something I can really cut into..” she grinned. 

“You don’t have the guts.” He said trying to call her bluff. 

Thwap. 

She hit the wall next to his head. She scraped the side of his cheek. Blood running down his neck now. 

“You tell Witchy-Poo to drop by anytime. I’d love to introduce her to a nice tall glass of GET THE HELL OUT.” She yelled resulting in his fleeing. 

She rubbed an eye. 

“...What time is it?” She asked. Looking to her lover. 

He walked over to her and kissed her. She struggled and pulled away. 

“Eugh, you know your mouth is the nastiest place on earth?” She said. Wiping off her lips.

He cackled. 

“Gravest appologies, My Dear. I just couldn’t help myself. Seeing you draw blood just does something to me..” he said. He pulled her down to him and kissed her neck. 

...

-On Shroud 9-

Oh how he loathed his producers at times. 

Stop killing people on screen.

Keep your torturing to a minimum

Don’t drink blood or cerebral fluid during the show. 

What else could he do to entertain?

What a terrible evening. He just wanted to be in his refuge. His crypt. 

He was in a sour mood. He hoped that his lady was home and had a nice warm cup of swamp water tea waiting for him. What he found was far better. 

He stepped through the opening bookcase and saw Juliette. Sitting naked on his desk. She was turned so that he couldn’t see anything but it was clearly evident she was nude. He saw her ribs through an open wound she had on her side. 

She had gotten a call from his producers they had wanted to speak to him but they told her about their grievances and she knew he’d be upset. She wanted to make his evening with something she knew he would like. 

“....Well well. What do we have here?” The Cryptkeeper said hanging up his coat. 

“...A little afternoon de-fright...” she said leaning back and laying down on his desk. Not hiding anything now. 

“...What am I to do with such a dirty debutante ?” He said walking over to her and putting his hand on her face. Looking into her yellow sunken eyes/ 

“...Anything you -haunt-“ she said chuckling. 

“You’re drunk..” he said throwing off his suit’s jacket. Moving to crawl ontop of her. 

“...I got into your ether ,just a bit ...that stuff...is great.” She said chuckling. 

“Why?” He asked running a hand through her hair. 

“...So I could tolerate this..” she said leaning up to kiss his mouth. Sticking her tongue down his throat. He wrapped his arms around her and did the same. Black saliva trailed from his mouth to hers. 

“...Casket or desk, My deathling? I’ll let the lady choose..” he asked unbuttoning his white shirt. 

“I don’t think I can make it to the casket..The way you look in this candlelight..your voice...that headstone you’ve been grinding into me for the past 20 seconds...I don’t think I’m going to last very long..I don’t have much time.” She chortled, trying to sound like she was dying. Undead humor was fun for her. 

...

-Bookends for: The Hand That Breaks The Cradle.-

The Cryptkeeper is sitting at his desk, dabbing arsenic onto a pacifier. 

“Hello, Kiddies! It’s your favorite fearsome fiend The Cryptkeeper here. “

He motions the camera to follow him over to the darkly draped crib that is in the shape of a coffin. 

“I see you’ve noticed I have a new piece of furniture in my creepy crawly crypt. You don’t need to get your eyes checked..this is indeed a crib.”

He leans down to pick up his baby. 

“We have a new addition to our haunt.”

He holds a very tiny baby girl in his arms. She makes cute noises. She’s dressed in a black christening gown. 

“You see your old pal, The Cryptkeeper became a Daddy recently! Isn’t she beautiful? Her name is Morgan..Thank GOD she looks just like her Mama..If she didn’t she’d have a face that only a mother could love!”he cackled. 

Morgan giggles and The Cryptkeeper puts the spider-shaped pacifier in her mouth. 

“This is a historical first fright fans! She’s the first undead infant born to undead parents. I’m thrilled to be a father.” He walks over to Juliette who is seated in a rocking chair. He hands her off to her and she rocks her gently. 

“Although I’m a little nervous about her future. What parent wouldn’t be? Which reminds me of our terror tale! It’s about a new mother who has a BONE to pick with her child’s father. I call it, The Hand that BREAKS the cradle.” 

...

Camera pans out from a sleeping Morgan in Juliette’s arms. 

The Cryptkeeper is whispering. Careful not to wake her. 

“It seems that Theresa had a lesson to learn. Don’t put the cart before the...herse.” He cackled a little and Juliette gives him a look and he has the camera follow him away from the baby. 

“I just hope that my own little monster won’t be as much of a handful as Blake was for his father. But you know what they say...it takes a villain to raise a child..” he cackles as it fades to black. 

... 

-Cryptie loves Juliette- 

She was so beautiful when she slept. She looked dead. And she was breathtaking. If he had a breath that is. 

He scooted close to her and put his head on her frail shoulder. Falling back into a death-like sleep.


End file.
